Feeling alone or sad? 4 steps that help you feel less alone.
Feeling alone and sad is not something we often talk about which is why it is so important to me to talk about it in a podcast. So many of us feel alone in trying to figure out how to be more successful at work or at home or with our kids or in our relationships. We look around and think everyone else seems to have figured out the thing that is making us feel stuck.
Sometimes we can get a little whiney and self pitying and think we are the ONLY one in the world who has THIS particular problem so no-one else can possibly understand. I call that being Terminally Unique. We want to feel like we are the ONLY ones suffering like we are suffering! We are unique in our pain- right? Somehow feeling terminally unique justifies why we can’t ask for help or can’t find help.
I am here to tell you, unfortunately, you are not Terminally Unique. There are lots of folks struggling with similar issues and there IS a way out of the darkness.
I am going to tell you how you get there in this week’s podcast.
In my podcast I am sharing my suggestions for small steps you can take to feel less alone, less lonely and feel a bit more in control of how you move forward through the stuff that makes you feel lonely, alone or not in control of moving forward….
I am even going to share the exact script I have used myself and coached my clients to use that is easy, not embarrassing and really works!
Private client confessions of things they feel they cannot “fix”: ie no viable solution feels realistic or available
I don’t know how to manage everything I have to do at work and then at home
I have terrible anxiety and the stress of running my own business is causing my anxiety to sky rocket
I have zero confidence in asking clients for more money when they ask me to do work outside of the scope of what we agreed to so I do extra work and don’t collect more money.
I don’t ever want to turn down a client so I am taking on more projects than I can handle and it’s killing me
I feel like I have to answer my phone and my texts all night and all weekends or I will lose clients.
I am the sole bread winner in my house so I feel like I can’t ask for a raise or my boss will fire me.
I feel like my boss will fire me if I complain
Here are my suggestions for small steps you can take to feel less alone, less lonely and feel a bit more in control of how you move forward:
First step
Breathe. Look around you. Look into your circle of friends and colleagues for ONE person who you know is dealing with ONE of the issues you are struggling with.
Now, I want you to think about something that YOU got through and ask yourself if YOU were asked for help by someone who was going through what you went through, would YOU wish for anyone to ask for your help so you could make it less difficult for them? I am guessing you are going to say YES.
So I want you to text, email or walk over to that person and privately ask them for a small favor. Tell them 1 thing you are experiencing, ask for 5 minutes in private when their schedule permits and tell them you are grateful for their insight. Then be respectful of their time and only take 5 minutes to get their advice/counsel/insight.
When my husband of 30 years suddenly and without previously uttering a peep about it told me (he didn’t “ask”) he wanted a divorce, I called 3 professional colleagues who I knew had gone through a divorce. I got straight to the point without any drama- I told her my husband of 30 years just asked for a divorce and I would like her input for 2 very specific questions:
Did you like your divorce attorney? 2. What is the one thing you wish you would have known then, that you know now?
I chose to ask only professional colleagues because I wanted to keep all emotions out of it and I had no intention of involving friends or family in the process at that point.
In the podcast I share a story of a professional woman who needed to find out compensation information and turned to an ex-employee of her firm to find out.
In a workshop When I shared an off handed comment about having a daughter with behaviorial health issues while I was trying to hold down a household, 2 kids, a dog and a career with a husband who travelled all the time for his job, I had 2 women come up to me after the workshop and thank me for being so honest about how hard it was. Nobody in their circles seemed to be struggling with it either.
Remember- you can ask for help with almost anything you are struggling with because almost everybody has at least one of your problems in common with you. JUST ASK!!!
Script: “It seems to me you are killing it with XYZ. I am not getting the hang of it. Do you mind me asking you how you do it? I would love to take you to coffee and get your insight for just 15 minutes. I would love to schedule just 15 minutes with you in your office to get your help.”
Here are a few situations you can ask for specific help:
childcare solutions - do you two use nanny? grandparents? daycare? Nannyshare?
partner- how do you two divide up chores? bills? childcare? Sick kids?
tough clients
busy schedule
nursing baby
needs therapist
date night
no sleep
eating healthy
toxic boss
2nd step
Get off social media accounts and people that make you feel bad or “less than”.
Here is what I did.
If I was on FB or Insta and felt bad when I saw something pop up I took note of who’s profile it was. If I felt bad 1 more time when I saw that person’s profile I unfollowed them. I have people on my social who don’t seem to have any problems or issues. That’s great for them. But if I feel “less than” when their posts pop on to my feed, I can’t do that to myself.
I want you to surround yourself with optimistic, flawed people! I do not want you to surround yourself and your brain with people who are presenting only partial truth to the world on their social. That’s ok for them but it’s not ok for you.
I have friends who are shit shows and it drives me batshit crazy when I see their posts. That’s on me. They want to present a certain way to the world - that’s their prerogative. I just can’t look at it!
Step 3.
Stop comparing. You do not know what is going on behind the scenes and it is none of your business. So stop comparing yourself to people who seem to be doing better at life than you. It’s not necessarily true.
Nuf said
Step 4.
Reach out to your most loving friends and family and ask for help in any way that you need.
I was honest with every single person who asked me how they could help. And I even asked people who didn’t ask me! I got TWO people to step up. Out of about 20.
I could choose to be mad or disappointed in the 18 who didn’t follow up or I can be really happy about the 2 who are showing up. I choose to be happy with the 2 who showed up.
Listen to my podcast to hear how 2 amazing people took time out of their busy days to make sure I knew they were thinking about me.
If you do any of these steps I promise you will feel less alone and less lonely.
f none of these work - please reach out to me at kathy@backpocket.biz and let me know how I can help. I want you to know you are not alone.
Let’s make it a great week!